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Last post 15 months ago by delta1. 27 replies replies.
a joke before I get canceled...
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frankj1 Offline
#1 Posted: Mon, Mar 15 2021, 7:38 PM EST
Joined: 02-08-2007
Posts: 44,231
Leo Rosten, the great writer and authority on Jewish humor, suggested one of the key characteristics of Jewish humor is revenge over the oppressor by the use of guile or circumstance.

This is such a story:

Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says,
“Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha gonna do about it?"

Moshe burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says. "I'm a complete failure. “I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. “When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. "I left my wallet in the cab I took home. “I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me. “So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

“I buy a drink; drop a capsule in the glass and sit here watching the poison dissolve;
then you show up and drink the whole thing! “But enough about me, how's your day going?"
8trackdisco Offline
#2 Posted: Mon, Mar 15 2021, 7:44 PM EST
Joined: 11-06-2004
Posts: 60,097
badaboooom... tishshshshshshshshshhhhhhh!
CheapPrick Offline
#3 Posted: Mon, Mar 15 2021, 7:52 PM EST
Joined: 11-25-2019
Posts: 535

Here's an oldie, but it gets screams at the mausoleum

How many beans does it take to make Irish soup?

Answer: (hint: read phonetically for the full experience)

Two hondred and thartynien beans, coz one marr would mek it two farty.
MACS Offline
#4 Posted: Mon, Mar 15 2021, 8:10 PM EST
Joined: 02-26-2004
Posts: 79,840
Jewish man on his death bed smells noodle kugel. His daughter is dutifully there. He says, "I smell kugel". And she says, "yeah, Mom is making some". The curtain is just about to fall. He's on his last breaths. And he says, "just to taste Kugel once before I die". And she says, "of course, Daddy".

She runs into the kitchen, gets back, sits down, and folds her hands. He says - barely even able to say the words - "where's the kugel?" And she says, "Mom says it's for after".
frankj1 Offline
#5 Posted: Mon, Mar 15 2021, 8:13 PM EST
Joined: 02-08-2007
Posts: 44,231
MACS wrote:
Jewish man on his death bed smells noodle kugel. His daughter is dutifully there. He says, "I smell kugel". And she says, "yeah, Mom is making some". The curtain is just about to fall. He's on his last breaths. And he says, "just to taste Kugel once before I die". And she says, "of course, Daddy".

She runs into the kitchen, gets back, sits down, and folds her hands. He says - barely even able to say the words - "where's the kugel?" And she says, "Mom says it's for after".

one of the greatest jokes any culture has evah birthed...but you need to say "Mom said no. It's for the shiva".
8trackdisco Offline
#6 Posted: Mon, Mar 15 2021, 8:43 PM EST
Joined: 11-06-2004
Posts: 60,097
frankj1 wrote:
one of the greatest jokes any culture has evah birthed...but you need to say "Mom said no. It's for the shiva".


Not nice to toy with a well meaning goy.
tailgater Offline
#7 Posted: Mon, Mar 15 2021, 8:44 PM EST
Joined: 06-01-2000
Posts: 26,185
So the waiter asked "Was anything alright?"
Gene363 Offline
#8 Posted: Mon, Mar 15 2021, 10:27 PM EST
Joined: 01-24-2003
Posts: 30,850
Classic! LOL
Stogie1020 Offline
#9 Posted: Tue, Mar 16 2021, 12:17 AM EST
Joined: 12-19-2019
Posts: 5,379
MACS, my wife wants to know why I am laughing so hard!
Burner02 Offline
#10 Posted: Tue, Mar 16 2021, 6:17 AM EST
Joined: 12-21-2010
Posts: 12,884
BigGrin
JadeRose Offline
#11 Posted: Tue, Mar 16 2021, 6:47 AM EST
Joined: 05-15-2008
Posts: 19,525
Oy Vey! I'm outraged
gummy jones Offline
#12 Posted: Tue, Mar 16 2021, 7:35 AM EST
Joined: 07-06-2015
Posts: 7,969
i like it
i like it very much
deadeyedick Offline
#13 Posted: Tue, Mar 16 2021, 9:05 AM EST
Joined: 03-13-2003
Posts: 17,129
Always liked the one about the Jewish wife finally giving her cremated husband that BJ he always wanted.
sfg391 Offline
#14 Posted: Tue, Mar 16 2021, 11:52 AM EST
Joined: 01-12-2014
Posts: 124
deadeyedick wrote:
Always liked the one about the Jewish wife finally giving her cremated husband that BJ he always wanted.


Yes. Another classic.
jespear Offline
#15 Posted: Tue, Mar 16 2021, 11:55 AM EST
Joined: 03-19-2004
Posts: 9,464
frankj1 wrote:
Leo Rosten, the great writer and authority on Jewish humor, suggested one of the key characteristics of Jewish humor is revenge over the oppressor by the use of guile or circumstance.

This is such a story:

Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says,
“Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha gonna do about it?"

Moshe burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says. "I'm a complete failure. “I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. “When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. "I left my wallet in the cab I took home. “I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me. “So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

“I buy a drink; drop a capsule in the glass and sit here watching the poison dissolve;
then you show up and drink the whole thing! “But enough about me, how's your day going?"


I had NOTHING to do with this, Frankie T ! Not talking
rfenst Offline
#16 Posted: Tue, Mar 16 2021, 12:04 PM EST
Joined: 06-23-2007
Posts: 39,379
MACS wrote:
Jewish man on his death bed smells noodle kugel. His daughter is dutifully there. He says, "I smell kugel". And she says, "yeah, Mom is making some". The curtain is just about to fall. He's on his last breaths. And he says, "just to taste Kugel once before I die". And she says, "of course, Daddy".

She runs into the kitchen, gets back, sits down, and folds her hands. He says - barely even able to say the words - "where's the kugel?" And she says, "Mom says it's for after".

whip
jespear Offline
#17 Posted: Tue, Mar 16 2021, 12:11 PM EST
Joined: 03-19-2004
Posts: 9,464
At a fundraiser in Washington DC, a man sees Neal Armstrong, and approaches him.
"Excuse me, Mr Armstrong, but I just have to tell you what an inspiration your words,
ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN. ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND
have been to me."
Mr Armstrong replies, "Well, I never said those words. They were dubbed in by NASA afterwards. What I ACTUALLY said was,
HERE'S TO YOU, HEIME GOLDBERG."
The man says, 'Heime Goldberg ? Who is that ?"
Neal answers, Heime was my neighbor, when I was in college, and one night I heard his wife say to him,
"Man will walk on the moon before I let you stick that thing in my mouth !"
DrMaddVibe Offline
#18 Posted: Tue, Mar 16 2021, 12:14 PM EST
Joined: 10-21-2000
Posts: 55,516
Frying pan Frying pan Frying pan

Smooth light Offline
#19 Posted: Tue, Mar 16 2021, 12:54 PM EST
Joined: 06-26-2020
Posts: 3,598
Why are most synagogue round?


So nobody can hide or say NIEN.
frankj1 Offline
#20 Posted: Tue, Mar 16 2021, 12:59 PM EST
Joined: 02-08-2007
Posts: 44,231
jespear wrote:
I had NOTHING to do with this, Frankie T ! Not talking

I did send it to you first, didn't I?
Smooth light Offline
#21 Posted: Tue, Mar 16 2021, 1:32 PM EST
Joined: 06-26-2020
Posts: 3,598
I'm offended for you too. But if you can't laugh at others ignorance. Go join the 'cancel culture'
jespear Offline
#22 Posted: Tue, Mar 16 2021, 1:42 PM EST
Joined: 03-19-2004
Posts: 9,464
frankj1 wrote:
I did send it to you first, didn't I?

Yes. Yes you did, but I've been very lax checking my e-mail lately.
frankj1 Offline
#23 Posted: Tue, Mar 16 2021, 8:58 PM EST
Joined: 02-08-2007
Posts: 44,231
Smooth light wrote:
I'm offended for you too. But if you can't laugh at others ignorance. Go join the 'cancel culture'


who do you mean?
Krazeehorse Offline
#24 Posted: Wed, Mar 17 2021, 10:05 AM EST
Joined: 04-09-2010
Posts: 1,958
From the other side of the aisle....

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
Palama Offline
#25 Posted: Tue, Feb 28 2023, 2:40 AM EST
Joined: 02-05-2013
Posts: 23,741
Thank goodness Frankie didn’t get banned! Applause
frankj1 Offline
#26 Posted: Tue, Feb 28 2023, 11:53 AM EST
Joined: 02-08-2007
Posts: 44,231
HA!
delta1 Offline
#27 Posted: Tue, Feb 28 2023, 3:23 PM EST
Joined: 11-23-2011
Posts: 28,814
whachu mean, Willis?

Frankie started the band............ before he got hammered...
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