I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She
dropped
> her price.
>
> I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've
> swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few
drinks and
> get some rest.
>
> I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it
never
> came back!
>
> When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the
> kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand
> dollars or you'll see your kid again."
>
> Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in
every
> room.
>
> With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front
door. He
> don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
>
> What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
>
> Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking
I'm a
> dog." He told me to get off his couch.
>
> I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.
>
> My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
>
> I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money
to
> the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
>
> One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it
cool.
> Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
>
> I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me,
> "Wait til it gets warmer."
>
> My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a
mirror.
> I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.
>
> When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to
my
> father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled
> through."
>
> I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle
fought
> for the west!
>
> My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him
stealing
> pens.
>
> My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
>
> My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as
a
> friend.
>
> My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his
wallet.
>
> When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
>
> I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster
and a
> radio.
>
> One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.
>
> I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my
> finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
>
> My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in
the
> electric chair.
>
> Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find
my
> parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,
"I
> don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
>
> I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the
> tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your
> mark..."
>
> When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
>
> I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I
woke up
> and a blind man was reading my face.
>
> My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
>
> Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an
ax!
>
> I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.
>
> One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He
felt
> up my wife!
>
> This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the
Loom
> guys laughing at me.
>
> I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
>
> My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to
time
> an egg.
>
> It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet
she
> won't drink from my glass!
>
> My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and
just as
> she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see
the
> guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
>
> Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
> negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
>
> A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I
went
> over. Nobody was home!
>
> A hooker once told me she had a headache.
>
> I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
>
> If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.
>
> I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are
you
> going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself
now."
>
> I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when
you
> put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
>
> I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
>
> I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State
Building
> and planes started to attack her.
>
> I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a
hook
> on the end of it.
>
> I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!
>
> I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The
> bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He
showed
> me a naked picture of my wife.
>
> During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night
she
> called me from a hotel.
>
> My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with
her
> boyfriend.
>
> One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I
said
> to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said,
"Because
> you came home early."
>
> I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him
once,
> "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel
like
> throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your
> eyesight is perfect."
>
> I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a
brown
> necktie.
>
> My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't
mind,
> I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"
>
> I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!
>
> When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over
and
> said, "Look, twins!"
>
> And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing
to
> play with!
