Just a few quick jokes.
All men like to think they're marrying nymphomaniacs...
only problem is, after a few years the nympho leaves and the maniac stays!
A hairlipped midget is looking for a horse to buy so he answers to a craigslist ad. He drives out to the farm to look at the horse and he asks the cowboy, “how muchf you askin for thigh horsef?” The cowboy replies, “I want $700 for this mare.” Midget asks, “can you liff me upth stho I can checkth her earsth?” The cowboy puts his hands in the midgets arm pits and lifts him up to inspect.
He set the midget down and the midget says, “her earsth look pretty goodth. Can you liff me up so I can checkth her teef?” Again the cowboy lifts the midget so he can check the mares teeth, set the midget down and he says, “her teef lookth goodth. Can I see her ****?”
Well this disgusts the ole cowboy so he grabs the midget by the nape of the neck and carries him the back of the horse. He lifts the mares tail and stuff that midgets face right into the horses business end and smooches him around a bit. Set the midget down and the midget wipes his face off and looks at the cowboy and says, “let me rephraseth that, let me seeth her gallop!”
The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the A1081 just outside Harpenden, UK early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,
“Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.”
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I’m going to jump off too.”
The Redneck opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.”
The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage, and jumps to his death.
The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito, and jumps too.
The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife is weeping.
She says, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!”
The Mexican’s wife also weeps and says,”I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”
Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me,” she said. “He makes his own lunch.”
Have a good one.
