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1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything."


4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."


5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."


9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.


11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "Why?? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mom or my dad or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother Ho-Chin. But I'm pretty sure it's Calvin.

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


15. I went to the butcher's the other day and bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

17. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

LOLLLLLL!
Thanks, EI!

A Marine Gunnery Seargent walks into a bar. He's in his dress blues and looking SHARP! He says to the bartender "give me a shot of twelve year old bonded scotch!" The barkeep pours a shot and the Marine knocks it back. He spits it all over the bar shouting "thats eight year old scotch, and it's not bonded, I ordered twelve year old bonded scotch, and that's what I expect!"
The bartender realizes he's dealing with a conniseur(sp) and reaches up on the shelf behind the bar, and pours "the good stuff".
The Gunny spits it out again "Thats twelve years old, but not bonded, I want what I ordered!"
The barkeep is nervous now, he knows he better come up with what the man asked for. He dissappers in the back room as the old grizzled squid at the end of the bar works on the last of his beer at the end of the bar. The barkeep reemerges with a dusty old bottle. He blows off the dust, and pulls the cork out of the bottle, and carefully pours a shot.

"Now that's what you should have poured the first time man! That's twelve year old bonded scotch!"

A beer mug comes sliding down the bar and the squid says "try that Marine!"
The Marine knocks it back, and spits it all over the bar and says " THAT'S PI$$!"

The old drunk squid at the end of the bar says "very good! now how old am I?"




Happy Birthday Corps! Hoo-Yah!

Several of those made me laugh. Missed a couple though:

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why such a long face?"

A mushroom walks into the bar and the bartender yells, "Get out of here, we don't server your kind!"
The mushroom replies, "Why not? I'm a fungi!"

I get it

A guy walks into a bar.
The next guy ducks.

Woman walks into a bar with a chicken under her arm.

Bartender: Where'd you get the pig?

Woman: It's a chicken.

Bartender: I was talking to the chicken.

Woman walks onto a bus carrying a baby.

Bus driver says "That's the ugliest baby I ever saw."

Woman sits down next to a gentleman, fuming. "That driver just insulted me."

Gentleman: "Go back up there and tell him off. I'll hold your monkey."